


I Loved and I Loved (And I Lost You)

by ANA0072



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Crying, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mentioned SEVENTEEN Ensemble, One Shot, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27548173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANA0072/pseuds/ANA0072
Summary: You are my sun.My moon.And all of my stars.You are my sky.My ocean.And the very ground I walk on.You are my earth.My energy.My light.My life.I, Lee Jihoon, promise, to love and to hold.To cherish and to protect.In sickness and in health.In life, and in death.I will forever be yours, Kwon Soonyoung.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	I Loved and I Loved (And I Lost You)

**Author's Note:**

> So heres what happened.  
> I was writing the 3rd chapter to SYL right, as you do. When suddenly I was tired. Like tired in general. So I went to lie down on my bed, played with my phone for a while and was ABOUT to go to sleep when....guess what? Pinterest happened! Yay! And writing prompt happened. And I saw the words "Stay for me" and I knew immediately what I wanted to write.
> 
> I've been wanting to write a Soonhoon major character death story for a while now (you may be wondering why. Simple; ITS CAUSE IM SAD INSIDE) and I have had enough Soonhoon dreams to last a lifetime so they have subsequently been bottle up inside me and if i don't release them one way or another I will irrevocably explode.
> 
> Did I cry while writing this? Yes. Do I regret writing this? Well i regret everything I do so a redundant question really. YOU CAN YELL AT ME FOR THIS ON TWITTER OR TUMBLR 
> 
> Tumblr: [@ana0072](https://ana0072.tumblr.com)  
> Twitter: [@ANAisnotmyname](https://twitter.com/ANAisnotmyname)

Hi, Soonyoung

It's me, Jihoon. Your husband.

I suppose you would already know that though, but I say it just in case. Though I'm not sure in case of what.

So uhmm

Happy Birthday. Me and Saeyoung watched your favorite movie yesterday. She's just like you, you know? Fell asleep halfway through. Ended up sleeping on our bed. It was nice.

  
  
  
  
  


Well…. I guess it's just my bed now.

  
  
  
  
  
  


...oh! Seungcheol-hyung and Jeonghan-hyung adopted a new baby girl last month. Her name's Minki; sweet girl. Saeyoung absolutely adores her, says she wants to be Minki's big sister, which made Minji angry cause Minji is already her big sister. We couldn't calm them down for an hour after that, they kept on trying to get at each other. You should have seen Saeyoung, Soonyoung, she looked exactly like you when she's angry, all puffy cheeks and pouty lips! It-!

  
  


It…..

It honestly scares me when she does that. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Mingyu and Wonwoo just moved to LA. Helped them pack last week. It made Saeyoung sad cause they're her favourite uncles, you know? Mingyu is so great with kids, loves them to death. Wonwoo just honestly loves to educate, which is nice because he always entertains her incessant ramblings. Her brain's always working, you know? Guess she got that from me. Maybe Wonwoo and Mingyu are my favorite too. 

Saeyoung keeps whining about them, wondering when they're coming back. They always call her, thank god, and it's just enough to satiate her for the day.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hansollie and Seungkwannie just moved to Jeju too. Near the beach, like Seungkwans always wanted. I know Hansol doesn't mind, but my god that boy can be such a pushover sometimes. I know it wouldn't kill him to say no. It honestly worries me. I can just tell what kind of family they're going to be. One of those really loving, close knitted kinds where they're really open with each other. But based on the parents, I know their kid is going to be spoiled rotten. It's fine, really. Based on their parents I know their family is going to be….just like us…..

Or like we _were_ at least.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Seokminie and Channie came by yesterday. 

  
  


Didn't say anything to me. Acted like nothing happened. But I know they were worried. 

  
  


They _always_ worry.

  
  


But I'm _fine_! 

Your absence has not been taking a toll on me at all. Why would it? Why should I care?

  
  


All you are to me is my husband. 

My best friend. 

My first boyfriend.

My soulmate. 

The love of my life.

My first _everything…_

  
  
  
  
  


So tell me, _husband_ . Why _should_ I care? Why _should_ I care that you're gone?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It's so _hard_ , Soonyoung.

  
  


Living like this. Going on like everything is fine but it's not! How can our friends even stand to be happy?? To be moving on with their lives?? How can they stand happily living in this world, knowing the very sun that shines our earth is gone??

  
  


Seokmin was your best friend! He should know more than _anyone_ how it feels to lose you! You guys had been best friends with each other for more than 20 years!

  
  
  


Yet, he moves on. Yet, he lives like _nothing_ happened.

  
  
  


You were the world, Soonyoung.

You were _my_ world!

  
  
  
  


Saeyoung scares me everyday! She acts like you, she thinks like you, she laughs like you! Holy fuck, Soonyoung, she even _looks_ like you! She has your eyes and your _stupid_ fucking smile! She looks at me like I'm her entire fucking world! 

And it's so _hard_.

  
  
  


It's so hard because you used to look at _me_ like that! Like I held the answers to all your fucking prayers. Like I was the entire fucking universe! 

  
  
  


That's what you used to do, Soonyoung! And afterwards you would always promise that you would stay by my side forever! You said you would love me _forever_ ! That no matter what the world threw at you, through hurricanes, earthquakes and typhoons, you would _always_ be with me! You said that even if the world was against you, that even if the _universe_ was against you, you would _always_ come back to me! You said that! _You promised me_!

  
  


You promised we would grow old and wrinkly together! You said we would raise our daughter together! You said that even when you're old and your legs basically don't work anymore, you would still dance with me at our daughter's wedding! That's what you said! That's what you promised me! That's what you promised us! That's what you promised the world!

  
  


You-!

  
  
  


You-.....

  
  
  


You….

  
  


You _promised_ me, Kwon Soonyoung.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


You are my sun. 

My moon.

And all of my stars.

You are my sky.

My ocean.

And the very ground I walk on.

You are my earth.

My energy.

My light.

My life.

I, Lee Jihoon, promised‐ _promise_ , to love and to hold. 

To cherish and to protect. 

In sickness and in health. 

In life, and in death. 

I will forever be yours, Kwon Soonyoung.

  
  


That's what I promised you. I promised to love you. I promised to cherish you.

  
  


_And I pushed you away._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_Fuck_ , Soonyoung. I fuck everything up What we had was good! What he had was _so, so good_ . And I pushed you away! I always fuck up our relationship, I'm always the one that messes it all up! You never ever do anything wrong. You _never_ do anything wrong! 

  
  


This is what I do! I fuck up, I won't admit I fuck up and then it's too late. 

  
  
  
  
  


Oh my god, it's too late.

It's too late! You're gone! I fucked everything up because I was too late! I can't take it back! I can't ask for your forgiveness! I can't admit my faults because _it's too late_.

  
  


I'm too late.

  
  


Saeyoung doesn't deserve a fuck up for a dad.

Shit, Soonyoung it's been _6 years_ and I'm still like this. I still cry myself to sleep wearing your shirts. I still accidentally make two mugs of coffee in the morning. I still wear your ring around my neck and I've never taken it off. I still–

  
  


_I still love you._

  
  
  
  
  


Fuck, Soonyoung, Saeyoung doesn't deserve this. I'm such a shit dad, I can't even pull myself together. She deserves someone who can understand her, someone who can give their energy to her without tiring themselves out. She deserves someone who can spare her some time to play together without work getting in the way.

  
  
  


She deserves _you_.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


She misses you so much. 

Minnie, Channie, Jun, Hao, Kwan, Hansol, Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Josh, Mingyu, Wonwoo. We all miss you _so much_.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Soonyoung, I miss you so much. 

I miss you everyday, Soonyoung. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

  
  


I miss your damn tiger agenda. I miss your stupid face with those damn eyes. And your dumb smile that always makes my heart flutter.I miss your voice. I miss when you would call me your Jihoonie. I miss your damn dolphin laugh. I miss your stupid sense of fashion. I miss your bad puns and dad jokes. I miss how you would almost burn the kitchen down when you cooked. I miss it when you used to come into my studio at 3am and force me to take a break even though I know the only reason you were still awake was because you were doing the same. I miss how caring and loving you are. I miss how you would hold me. I miss how you would cuddle me awake every morning. I miss how you would kiss me senseless. I miss how you would always remind me of what I am to you. 

  
  


I miss how you would tell me you love me.

  
  


I miss you, Kwon Soonyoung.

  
  
  
  
  
  


And I'm so selfish, Soonyoung. 

  
  


I'm so selfish because I so desperately want you back that I failed our daughter. I'm so selfish because I want everyone to suffer as much as I am. They don't deserve it. Not Saeyoung, or Minnie or Channie. 

  
  
  


They _should_ be moving on. They _should_ be happy.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And I'll try too. 

I'll try to be happy without you. I'll try to move on from loving you. But just know I will never stop doing it. I will never stop missing you.

  
  
  
  


As always, Soonyoung:

  
  


You were my sun.

My moon

And all of my stars.

You were my sky.

My ocean. 

And the very ground I walked on. 

You were my earth.

My energy.

My light.

My life.

I, Lee Jihoon, promised to love and to hold.

To cherish and to protect.

In sickness and in health.

From life, to death.

I will still be forever yours, Kwon Soonyoung.

Love,

Your Jihoonie.

Horanghae ♥️

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm really bad at poetry and symbolism T^T wbk
> 
> Please don't be mad, I only wanted to get this out of my head. Yell at me in the comments as compensation? Leave a kudos while you're down there OwO
> 
> Or you can tell me how much you wanna kill me on twitter and tumblr  
> #alwaysbeplugging  
> Tumblr: [@ana0072](https://ana0072.tumblr.com)  
> Twitter: [@ANAisnotmyname](https://twitter.com/ANAisnotmyname)
> 
> Tittle from Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie


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